Who Is She...

Who is this girl in the mirror I see?

The one with sorrow filled eyes and tear stained cheeks

Where are the hopes and dreams that use to fill her wings?

Now all I see is a flightless bird struggling to break free

Free from the boundaries of black and white

And the shades of gray that are filling her life

Worried about the lives affected

And wondering whether to sacrifice or be selfish

Is selfishness so bad when happiness is the return?

If when that happiness results in someone else’s hurt?

When sacrificing comes at the expense of becoming who she needs to be

Even though it brings someone else security?

So here she is caught in the undertow

So desperately trying to find a foothold

Something to get her head back above water

To feel that sweet relief of air fill her

Who is this girl in the mirror I see?

The one who is getting pulled out to sea…drowning…

Mine All Mine

Today has been one of those days.

 You know the kind where you wake up and have a list of things to do and next thing you know it's one o'clock and you've accomplished nothing besides running in circles.

As most of you already know from facebook by time afternoon rolled around Matalie had already managed to spill three cups of juice, bathe herself in honey and butter from her toast AFTER I had already got her ready, made a royal mess in the playroom I had just cleaned up two minutes before, spilled chocolate pudding all over my tan carpet, and peed in her pants right as we were walking out the door.

Now this momma has a lot of patience but that last one did me in. I would be lying if I said I didn't pull a Nicole and lock myself in my bedroom for a minute.

 Or five.

 After that I decided errands could wait and proceeded to get back in my pajamas....my sanity depended on it.

But just when I was about ready to put a for sale sign on her and drop her on the side of the road (don't judge, we've all had those moments) I walk into the playroom to find this

It's then that I remember all those nights I spent praying for her. All the tears shed after each pregnancy that ended too soon. And the love that consumed my heart the first time I laid eyes on her sweet face.

 She may be a juice spiller, honey bather, trouble maker, slightly over eccentric little lady but she is mine.... and that is all that matters.

Love Like Jesus

*this post is meant to release steam in a helpful way so if you don't want to hear me rant you might want to leave. consider yourself warned*

Let's start at the beginning....a couple of days ago my friend Racheal and I were discussing tatoos we wanted and decided since we both wanted one on our foot that we should go together for moral support.....you know since it's suppose to hurt...bad. So today that is exactly what we did. Didn't think much more about it because it is our bodies we are talking about. That is until someone commented on Racheal's facebook post basically saying he thought she was a good person and christian..guess not. And I started getting negative remarks as well

That was enough to get this lady going.

I know you have your people who want to pick and choose scripture and use it to judge the actions of people and I can handle that all day long....it's the ones who take people and put them on a pedistool and because they do one thing they don't agree with everything else they have done in the past doesn't matter anymore. Forget that we are hardcore worship junkies who are 110% sold out for Jesus... we "disfigured" our temple so now nothing else matters. Forget that what we did choose were two things that we strive to live by because all that matters now is the way we reflect on them. If me choosing to tell the world that wherever He goes I am going to follow Him by placing it on my body offends you I am not the one with the problem here.....

I am done now.

On to the pictures :)

New Beginnings

This week is a week of multiple beginnings for the Benefield family.

First and foremost the hubster starts his new job. No words can describe how excited both of us are for this new adventure.

Second, this week marks the beginning of hardcore potty training. We have been doing it on and off for the past couple months and she's got the idea. So I have decided to stay home bound this week and knock this next step of her turning 3 off our list.

And last but not least.....wait for it.....I have finally splurged and bought a blog design from this fabulous website. I don't usually spend the money on my templates but after I saw my sisterwifes new one last week I just couldn't help myself. Its perfectly simple and so very me and I can't wait to go live with it :)

So what's new in your life???

Smores Indoors

It's been pretty stinkin cold here the past couple of days and to cure my frozen toes we have been burning fires pretty much all weekend. And what's a fire without a little marshmallow action????

 Mat wasn't so sure about them :)

She liked the chocolate though!

Forget Me Not

Last week in school Luke was studying trees. What is a tree, what are leaves, how does it get it's food, what do the rings mean, what is bark, and last we did our own family tree. Simple activity that I knew he would enjoy and didn't think much about. Until we got to the father's side and he wrote Scott's name. I asked him if he was sure that he wanted to use Scott and his answer was "Why not? He is my daddy"

I'm not going to lie, this hurt me probably more than it should have. I sat there battling with whether or not I should correct him and bring up Andrew or just let it go. I mean it has been less than two years and that simple gesture confirmed what I had feared would happen this whole time.

Luke is already forgetting.

I have done everything I can. Kept pictures up. talked about him, tried to keep the thought of him alive as long as possible but the truth is Scott is his dad now and as much as it hurts I myself need to start accepting it. It's just so hard thinking about how much he loved his daddy and to know that eventually the relationship they had will just be a memory. And that eventually when asked who his father is he will reply with out a doubt that his daddy is the one he still gets to see every day.

What am I suppose to do? I know in order for him to heal that he needs to move on but I am just scared with him being so young that he will forget all together and I don't think I could handle that. As a mother I don't want to continually reopen a wound in my child for someone who isn't here anymore but how can I let a bond that was sooo strong disappear in front of my eyes?

I am so lost and don't know what to do......

Hey There.....

Remember me???? The girl who hasn't posted in...ummmmmm...well who's keeping count anyways. I hadn't noticed how long it has actually been until I saw where I landed on this lady's side bar. The truth is I have been buried under boxes, packing tape, and cleaning supplies for the past month.

Rewind to the beginning of April when Scott and I were looking for homes to purchase. We finally found one that we both loved. We got about a week into the process to find out that the house actually had been purchased at an auction a couple weeks before. After that we decided it wasn't meant to be and that we would just stay put for the time being. Fast forward to about two months ago when I was leaving Amber's house( did I mention the dream house was in the same neighborhood :)) and I happen to see that whoever bought it had flipped it and was renting it out. Bad thing was they wanted a small fortune for it so we decided not proceed. It wasn't until a couple weeks after that that I called when I noticed it was still empty and the realtor had dropped the amount to the exact price we were looking to pay. 

Now we are living in our dream home and not having to pay for any of the upgrades :). Here is the part where that same lady from above would say see, it pays to wait for a bargain! I have a couple rooms set up but for the most part it looks like a hurricane has swept through and left a trail of boxes in it's path. So for now I will leave you with this :)

*Update* Post now has a picture. Forgive me for the temporary brain fart :)*

Sweet Water Creek

Back when Scott and I were dating he thought it would be fun to bring me up to sweet water creek for a little picnic. Now I am all for the outdoorsy kinda stuff, but a mile plus hike back in the woods? Not my cup of tea. Little did I know then what we would come across hidden back in those woods. A beautiful river, clear and cold, rocks to jump on, and an old Civil war building all tucked away where no-one would find it unless they knew it was there. I was in love. And since we hadn't been back after that day I convinced Scott that we should go this past weekend and bring the kids. Of course they loved it just as much as I do....Bruster on the other hand? Not so much :)