Growing up I always considered myself lucky to not have lost anyone close to me. I didn't know what it felt like to have to say goodbye to a loved one, grieve over something lost, or console others who were going through the same situation. Of course I knew that I would have to face those things one day but for the time being I counted my blessings and thought of my life as an exception.
That was until I had to wait anxiously in an ultra sound room while a doctor tried to find my baby's heartbeat that was no longer there, the summer of 2008 when I had to stand by and watch my mother's heart break into pieces over the loss of her father, and the evening last June when I received a phone call that sent my world spinning out of control and brought me to my knees on a sidewalk in the middle of the city. It wasn't until those moments that I knew the feeling of my breath escaping me, or the sudden emptiness that replaces the spot that that person once filled.
Since those experiences I have realized that I am not an exception. My family is not an exception. And although it has helped me to hang on to every moment with them I can't deny that constant thought of what's going to happen next? What bugs me even more is the fact that it comes up the most when things seem to be going right. Because we all know we can't have everything and when we finally do find some kind of balance in life tragedy can't be too far behind.
To say that I hated feeling this way would be an understatement. I realize death is a part of life so why couldn't I except it instead of constantly worrying about a future that I have no control over. I use to think I was crazy for thinking this way until a certain sister-wive assured me that I was not the only one. I don't know how Amber and I got on the topic during our late night chat but we did. And just about the time I was sure she was going to refer me to a looney doctor she confessed she felt the same way too. Which got me thinking. Is this feeling just a part of losing someone or do some people actually move on with their lives with out a care in the world? I would like to say that my wounds are still fresh and that in time they will heal, but can I make that promise to myself? Will things ever really go back to the way they were before?
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Where Do You Go From Here?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I totally understand what you mean. But I hate to say this, but just this year, have I found myself crying over my mom, and missing her more than ever. I mean, I have always missed her...but it's almost like it is getting harder as time goes by. It will be 13 years since she passed, and the way I have thought about her this year, you would have thought she had only been gone for a couple of months. I hate you had to experience what you did with Luke's father, and I wish I had some words to help your thoughts some. It's almost like you seriously just have to "roll with the punches".
I love you so much! No, I wasn't about to commit you and if I recall, I was the one who brought up the subject. I thought you would want to commit me!
Like we talked, we pick up our boot straps and we move on. We wait for those moments, but we don't waste our days dreading them and miss out on the joys of our everyday lives. They will come and we know they will, but we're strong enough to get through them and in those moments, we're the rocks and the backbones. That's our role and our "moment to shine." They won't be easy, but we'll survive and come out better for them.
Thank you for understanding me the other night. Thank you for still being such a wonderful friend, even though I know I haven't always been the same. There is so much I wish I could go back and change, but now I know my own demons were what was holding me back, even though that's not an excuse. Thanks for letting me always be so honest and not judging. I love you and know I'm always here!
Post a Comment