Just One Of Those Days

June 14, 2010 is a day that I will never forget. I am sure everybody has one of those, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I wish I could say mine was the former but it was not. It was the day that I got a call saying that my little boys life would be changed forever.

Andrew Stephens, 25 years old, Luke's father, had been in a car accident. The result, four days of hell, a lot of decisions that no parent should have to make, and in the end a life lost. I honestly can't tell you what happened in that short time, it is all just a blur. The only thing I can remember is asking myself over and over how am I going to tell my child that his daddy is not coming home. Because how does any parent explain that to a five year old? Thankfully Luke understood a lot more than I gave him credit for. He didn't see why he needed to go to the funeral or the viewing to say goodbye to his daddy if he was already in Heaven, he talked about his daddy living with Jesus now, and told me every time I asked that it was ok and he wasn't sad. With him taking it so well I decided that it was time for me to start putting it behind me as well.

It wasn't until months later that I started noticing the vacant look in his eyes, or the fact that he had stopped talking about Andrew. So I started trying to bring him up in conversation only to watch Luke shut down and grow quiet. After that the emotions started flowing. There were nights I had to lie in bed and hold him as he sobbed because he missed his daddy so much, the questions about Heaven started and how could he visit there, and eventually the statement that broke what was left of my heart into pieces. He wanted to die so he could be with his daddy. We had reached rock bottom.

I can't even begin to tell you what this feels like for a parent. Through this whole process I got mixed emotions from the people around me because they weren't sure why I was so upset. After all, Andrew was my ex-husband and I had Scott. Yes, it was an unfortunate event but shouldn't I be ok by now? All I can tell you is that grieving for your child is completely different than grieving for yourself. It tore me apart knowing that the one thing my baby wanted most was the one thing that I could not give him. It killed me watching him hurt and not being able to do anything to fix it. Because that's a mamma's job isn't it? To kiss all the boo boos and mend their broken hearts?

I finally decided that I couldn't do this by myself and in a desperate attempt to make things right ran to the only healer I knew that could fix this. I laid it all down at His feet and prayed for the wisdom and words to speak to my little boy to help him understand more. So we started discussing Heaven more and Gods purpose for everything. And that as long as he had Jesus in his heart, that one day when his purpose was up, that he would see his daddy again in Heaven. I know it wasn't the answers he was looking for, but I slowly started seeing the twinkle in his eyes come back, his laughter started filling the house again, and now when we talk about Andrew it's filled with love and not hurt.

Does Luke still miss him? Every day. Is everything ok and back to normal? I don't think it ever will be. Because the truth is, we are always going to have our days. Those days when all the emotions come creeping up. Those days when you are going about your business and all of a sudden the thought of him starts tugging at your heart. Those days when I see Luke stop to look at his picture and catch the longing in his eyes. No matter how much time passes there will always be that piece of our heart that is missing. But we know that this life is not all there is, and there will be a day when we will all be together again. Until then, we will be grateful for those days, and every other, because each one is a gift and you don't know which one will be your last.