Tired

That about sums up my mood right now. I don't think I have ever been this worn down. Physically. Emotionally. Which feels really silly saying because I am a stay at home mom. I don't have to get up and go to work every day for eight hours a day, I get to be right where I belong, with my children. So why is it that I am stressed out to the point that I feel like I can't even handle that at the moment??? Just admitting this has me in tears. Don't get me wrong, I adore my kids, I am head over heals for them, but I have reached the place where I have poured so much into them that I feel like I am not even myself anymore.

We are coming up on a year since Andrew died, and to say that I will be glad to see it pass would be an understatement. I feel as though ever since last June I have been walking on pins and needles around my son, babying him, guarding him, and putting everything I have into protecting his little heart from breaking again. Because as a mother, I know that I could not handle seeing him hurt like that again. But with this has come back talking, not listening or following directions, and straight up temper tantrums at the drop of a hat. Which I know he needs to be punished for but at the same time I feel guilty because I know these things are a result of the way I have been treating him.

And Matalie, my sweet sweet Matalie. If Luke hit the terrible twos as hard as this little girl we would only have one child. When she is good, she's good. When she's bad....Lord have mercy on my soul. She is constantly into something, I can never take my eyes off of her. She is fearless and thinks she can do everything her brother does and then some. It is a miracle that we have not ended up in the emergency room with her. And then you have the attitude and outright disobedience, which is the hardest part for me. Something about telling her no, her hearing, and turning around and doing it anyways boils my blood to the point of no return and it's so hard for me to get MY attitude back in check after. But just like Luke, once I take a moment to breath I realize it is her testing her boundaries, watching me to see the way I will react. And what she is getting in return is a momma raising her voice, more time outs than necessary, and a sour attitude from me. Definitely not the love and security she is wondering if she will still have at the end of the day. Again, guilty.

Please don't think that I have horrible children, because they are not. They are everything to me.. And please don't think that I don't like being a mother, their mother, because I would not trade this job for anything in the world. This is just something that I need to get off my chest, because I am one of those moms that puts on the smiling face, pretending that everything is perfect and just the way it should be, that this life is everything I dreamed of, but the truth is it is not. It's hard. And I think that I have finally reached my first breaking point. And this is my way of letting go and accepting that it will probably be the first of many.